A Tribute

He and I fought like cats and dogs during our growing-up years. A true little brother, he picked on me, intimidated me, and drove me crazy. I’m sure I probably wasn’t too nice in return, though I think I’ve effectively blocked that part out.

I briefly mentioned his cancer diagnosis in a couple of the early posts, but I figured it would be appropriate to introduce Steve to those of you who never knew him.

Steve was a kid who knew how to be trouble. As he struggled through some hard choices and circumstances in life, though, he began to change … into a man who knew how to be trouble. In all seriousness, though, Steve was a great guy. He knew how to live life out loud. He knew how to have fun. He had a great (twisted, yes, but great) sense of humor. He wasn’t afraid of getting maximum mileage out of shock-value. He loved his family. He was an awesome dad who wanted the best for his daughter. He played with his nieces and nephews with obvious affection. From skydiving to helping with a NASCAR pit crew, he dared to live life to the fullest.

When he was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in the spring of 2004, we were all caught off guard. But Steve was a fighter. He lived the next two years trying to love his family and make the best choices he could, not only for himself and the aggressive treatment of his disease, but also regarding care for his wife and kids.

Between Christmas ’05 and New Year ’06, I was able to spend some time with him. He had been off of chemo for a few months at that point, but had begun getting sick again. Shortly after he returned home in early January 2006, he was admitted to the hospital. It was soon evident that the disease was getting worse and his chances of coming home were growing slimmer with each passing day. My other brother and I flew to see him twice: first for a long weekend in late January and then again about three weeks later. God was all over our flight arrangements, as the snow was canceling flights in increasing numbers. Our travel situation was a comedy of errors, but God was definitely the playwright.

Steve was moved to an inpatient hospice facility the day after we arrived. Though we were scheduled to go home that Monday, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to leave. Sure enough, Steve lost his fight with the disease that Friday morning with his wife and our mother by his side.

As much as he pestered me during childhood (and adulthood, for that matter! ha!), I had grown to love him very much. I hope he knew that. Through time and circumstances, God had molded Steve into a person I wish I’d had more time to get to know.

Carpe Diem.

Click here to hear the new song, "How You Live," by Point of Grace.

The Oppression of Depression, the Sufficiency of God

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." ~Psalm 103:3-4

As people have heard or read our story, I have had some ask me to describe what depression feels like. I absolutely cannot speak for everyone who suffers from depression, of course (it affects everyone differently). However, I am happy to share my own experiences, with the desire that through my transparency others will find hope or, if applicable, the resolve needed to seek out help for themselves.If you’re interested, read on.

**I am not a doctor or counselor. This is not intended to diagnose or cure anyone. If you are really struggling, please see a health or mental health professional.**

Depression comes in a lot of varieties. Some is brought on by difficult or painful circumstances, other cases are clinical (or biochemical); some cases are long-term while others are brief; some produce a general feeling of sadness, others are characterized by anger, while still others cripple people to the point where they might be unable to function. Still others may have combinations of depression with other issues such as mania or anxiety. My experience is only with an uncomplicated, familial, clinical depression.

As I look back, the first indication I see of any problem would have been in high school where I struggled with a low sense of self-esteem. I certainly did not see myself as God saw me in Christ: created with a purpose, redeemed, loved, valuable, etc. During this time I also had my one and only incidence of suicidal thoughts. It scared me enough that I vowed that I would never entertain thoughts like that again (and I have not.) The low self-image continued into college. “Blah” kind of was becoming a way of life for me.

There were bright spots, of course, but, just as depression is circumstantial for some people, my bright spots tended to be circumstantial, and therefore rather short-lived. Difficult circumstances would plunge me further down, too, but because I was always riding just below the surface of emotional “normal,” I never really noticed much of a difference. I thought it was normal. I couldn’t remember anything to compare it to. I kind of see it this way (me riding just below the surface of “normal” with occasional deeper plunges):

I struggled with this for more than 15 years. Briefly, here are some of the things I’ve felt or experienced:

• low self-esteem
• general sadness
• feelings of inadequacy
• fear of failure
• very self-demanding, but never good enough
• unwillingness to “dream” about things that could potentially not happen (underlying this was a fear of disappointment and a fear that other people would think me a fool if whatever I dreamed for never materialized or eventually fell apart)
• unwillingness, and eventually inability, to fully experience joy
• guilt over things that weren’t my fault or within my control
• shame for things other people did, especially if they did not seem to accept any sense of shame for it themselves
• feelings that I didn’t deserve better than this; acceptance that this is just “the way life is going to be for me”
• difficulty praying
  
• sometimes the knowledge that what I was feeling was completely irrational, but as is common with the nature of depression, I was quite literally unable to do anything to get myself out of the pit
• a critical and angry spirit
  
• defeat and eventually apathy
• hopelessness

As I have written previously, God was very faithful to bring healing to me after about 15 years of struggle. However, it wasn’t quick and easy; it took not only medication but also lengthy counseling and lots of prayer. I know God could have healed me miraculously, but for whatever reason he chose not to.

This week someone shared something she had read (by Beth Moore, maybe?) about God’s healing power. To summarize, Sometimes God exercises his omnipotence in miraculous ways with the purpose of showing his Supremacy. Other times He chooses not to heal miraculously, forcing us, instead, to increase our dependence on Him and let Him carry us from day to day (for example, the Apostle Paul and his “thorn in the flesh,” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10). He does this to prove his Sufficiency. In my case, I wished (and prayed) for the miraculous healing (I still believe he is able), but I have come to the point where I am content for his Sufficiency to sustain me.

The battle is not over, and medication doesn’t “make it all go away.” I still struggle from time to time, but in general God has used medication, counseling, and his grace to lift me up out of the miry pits of depression. And I am ever reminded of my dependency on Him.

So, what has come with the victory of healing?

• An ongoing sense of my dependency on God’s Sufficiency
• A fresh outlook
• True abundance of life
• More realistic self-expectations
• Willingness to risk failure
• Freedom from the felt need to criticize
  
• Hope and the ability to dream
• Release from the strongholds of shame and guilt
• The ability to feel joy
• A sense of God-esteem that includes the knowledge that I am:
• Forgiven
• Redeemed
• Justified
• Precious in His sight
• Dearly loved
• Created with a purpose

Lessons from the Cat

"Ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish of the sea inform you. ... In [the Lord's] hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." ~Job 12:7-8, 10


12. The larger the terrorist, the safer the little hidey hole.

11. Be careful where you choose to rest. This is particularly important if you have an aversion to something ... like water.

10. There's a big ol' world out there just waiting to be explored.

9. If you don’t know where in the world you’re going, just take a nap … I mean, map.

8. Just because the tail continues to twitch doesn’t mean there’s a lizard attached.

7. Sleep lightly when in the vicinity of small humans.

6. Fenced in back yard = quiet + safe = boring.
Open front yard = zooming cars + carousing + cat fights = exciting.
Figuring out a way to get from one to the other = priceless.

5. If whining doesn’t work, try scratching the furniture.

4. Poop left on top of the car is insufficient to dissuade humans from banishing you to the garage at night.

3. Black clothing makes the coziest nap mat, especially if someone is planning to wear it today.

2. Birds released in the house will be confiscated.

1. It’s a good idea to know what you’re getting into when you demand your way. Otherwise, you must be prepared to deal with uncomfortable circumstances.

Sharing Resources

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." ~Psalm 32:8

Some people have asked about what I/we read during this season of our lives. We did read several things that we have recommended to people time and time again. These titles impacted us the most as we focused on various areas of healing. For those who are interested, here are three annotated titles. God bless you!

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Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past: Help for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Lifeway Press: Nashville, 1992.

I had heard about this workbook before. There was a small group that used it in a church I had attended in another city. I was always very pleased for them … How wonderful, I thought, that they’re getting the help they need, but thank you, God, that I did not come from a dysfunctional family. When my counselor suggested this title, I resisted at first, thinking it would not be applicable, but let’s just admit what we all know to be true in the backs of our minds: all families are dysfunctional. *grin* I told the counselor I would think about it, but even as I drove away from the session, I felt so drawn to it (by God, I’m sure) that I stopped at LifeWay on the way home and purchased the workbook. As I read the first few paragraphs, I was astonished to see how much (not all, of course) applied to me. I picked my jaw up off the floor and began an incredible journey of healing.

The workbook is designed for use in support/small groups. It consists of twelve units, each with five days worth of study and reflection. The units included are: (1) Discovering Self-Esteem, (2) Recognizing Compulsive Behavior, (3) Release from Shame, (4) Overcoming the Fear of Joy, (5) Help for People Who Grew up Too Soon, (6) Perfectionism and Procrastination, (7) Healing Painful Memories, (8) The Advantages of a Turbulent Past, (9) It’s OK to Be Yourself, (10) Forgiving the People Who Hurt You, (11) Coming to Terms with the Blessing, and (12) Reflection and Direction.

There is a follow-up workbook to this one entitled Moving Beyond Your Past, also by Tim Sledge.

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Harley, Willard F., Jr. His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive. Fleming H. Revell: Grand Rapids, 2003.

Kids are definitely a blessing from God, but they change relationships – just ask any married couple who happens to have little people in the house. However, kids don’t have to destroy marriages. The author of the popular His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Harley, helps couples recognize where they are putting the kids before each other and offers very practical (if you know me, you know I live for “very practical”) suggestions for reversing that trend. I have also given this book to couples who do not yet have children, or who are expecting their first, as it offers some good advice for childproofing your marriage in advance of the onslaught, uh, I mean “happy addition.” *grin*

The book is divided into an introduction ("And Then There Were Three: Are Children a Threat to Your Marriage?"), three main parts, and a conclusion. Part One, “Romantic Relationships,” includes the following chapters: What’s Love Got to Do With It? (Why Romance Matters), Just Between You and Me (Intimate Emotional Needs), Love Takes Time (The Policy of Undivided Attention), Love Bankruptcy (When Love Busters Break the Bank), and Declaration of Interdependence (The Policy of Joint Agreement).

Part Two is titled “A United Approach to Parenting” and includes five chapters: Ready for Kids? (Deciding to Expand Your Family), Rules of the House (Deciding on Child-Training Goals and Methods), The Time Factor (Practicing the Policy of Undivided Attention), His Work, Her Work (How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities), and Parenting Takes Time (How to be a Committed Mom and Dad).

Part Three focuses on “Special Cases:” Mixed Families, Blended Lives (From Discord to Harmony), Disorder or Gift? (How to Deal with ADHD), and When Grandma Won’t Let Go (Dealing with Intrusive In-Laws). The conclusion is entitled "Love is Fragile, Handle with Care: For Lovers who are Parents."

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Campbell, D. Ross, MD. How to Really Love Your Child. Life Journey: Colorado Springs, 2003.

Again, very practical! This book is filled with “Duh!” moments, but that’s good because while we think we are loving our kids (we kiss them and tuck them in at night, we clothe, feed, and house them, we make sure they are well-educated, we faithfully attend their basketball games and ballet recitals, etc.), the truth is that sometimes, despite these things, they don’t really feel our love - we just don't realize it. From a Christian perspective, Dr. Campbell establishes for parents what are the emotional needs of their children, and then offers specific, practical (and, for the most part, very easy!) suggestions for relating to them in ways that convey our love more powerfully than being their providers could ever do alone.

Chapters include: (1) The Problem, (2) The Setting, (3) The Foundation, (4) How to Show Love Through Eye Contact, (5) How to Show Love Through Physical Contact, (6) How to Show Love Through Focused Attention, (7) Appropriate and Inappropriate Love, (8) A Child’s Anger, (9) Discipline: What is it?, (10) Loving Discipline, (11) Discipline: Requests, Commands, Rewards, and Punishment, (12) Children with Special Problems, and (13) Helping Your Child Spiritually.

Dr. Campbell has also published related titles, How to Really Love Your Angry Child, and How to Really Love Your Teen.