Monday, July 1, 2013

Why I Chose Your Father over Orlando Bloom: An open letter to my children

“[Viggo Mortensen, the actor who played Aragorn] used to call me 'elf boy,' and I'd call him 'filthy human.' As an elf, I never got a scratch on me, never got dirty. And Vig would come out with blood and sweat all over him. And he'd say to me, 'Oh, go manicure your nails.'” ~Orlando Bloom

"Legolas doesn't speak a lot - he prefers to let his actions speak for him. Legolas's moves are smooth and elegant, like a cat. You know how cats can jump and land steadily on their paws? That's what I'm trying to do. There's a strength in that, but it's very balletic. It's also [really] hard to do without falling over!" ~Orlando Bloom

Dear Ones,

I’m sorry.  I let myself get carried away.

I don’t even remember how it started exactly.  One thing just led to another.  In a brief moment of weakness I thought, It’s harmless … no one will get hurt.

And then, for better or for worse, I just said it.

“I thought Legolas was pretty hot.”

The looks on your faces were priceless.  Evan, trying to determine how serious I was and simultaneously rethinking his obsession with “Lord of the Rings.”  Andie trying to stifle an embarrassed grin and at the same time downright horrified that her mother would have, or at least would admit, such thoughts or feelings.

Even Daddy widened his eyes.  “Wow.  I don’t think you’ve ever said anything like that about anyone before.”

Because your reactions were so perfect, I couldn’t let it die.  Over the next few days I seized several additional opportunities to speak swooningly of Legolas ... to make your collective eyes bug out, to cause your faces to contort into those coincidentally wonderous and disturbed looks, to make Andie shrink back, aghast and suspicious, willing me to take it back for the love of all things right and noble.

Your father just rolled his eyes.  You see, he wasn’t worried.

Let me explain.

I admit, there was something about the character, Legolas, that was appealing to me.  He was the strong, silent type.  Tender, kind, brave, thoughtful.  Rescuer, hero, kick-some-Ork-butt, save-the-world.  He had a strong jaw and perfect hair, and was pretty good with a bow and arrow.  And don’t get me started on the pointy ears.

But, that’s all he is to me, really … a fantastical character.

He’s not real.

And I already explained to you that I really don’t have any feelings for Orlando Bloom himself.  I mean, I am sure he is a fine young man (I can say "young" because when I got married at 26, he was still in high school, or would have been if he had not dropped out), but I don’t know him at all – at least not as well as you might feel like you know a graceful, blonde elf after nine hours on the big screen.

You father, however, is very real.

I know we’ve had our issues – all marriages have conflict.  But, we would both tell you that those issues, and the way that God had brought us through them, only made us stronger in the end, made us love each other more.

Your father has always been there for me, even when I was at my most unlovable.  Thanks to untreated clinical depression that, fortunately, you don’t really remember, I was frequently quite nasty, angry, hateful … for years.  I almost certainly would have walked out on me, but Daddy never did.  I don’t hold out much hope that Orlando would have done the same.  It’s not really Hollywood’s way.

I’m sure our culture tried to sell Dad the idea that he deserved better.  I would guess that he had plenty of opportunities to buy the lie that if he left me and found someone else everything would be good again, easier, more fulfilling … that the pain of divorce and a broken family, and even the conflicts we had, would not follow him into another relationship (they always do no matter how good or bad the relationships are).

But your father chose the difficult path – he chose to honour me, his commitment, and his God.  He demonstrated faithfulness to me, just as he had pledged at the altar in 1995, but, as it turned out, far far beyond what I actually deserved.  He did not always like me, that he will admit, but he chose to continue loving me, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

I didn’t make it easy, and sometimes I still don’t.  I spent far more time suffocating in the Darkness than I have as a medicated, counseled, reasonably healthy adult, and there are still bad habits that need to be expelled from our relationship.  And despite all my flattering talk, Daddy’s not perfect either.  We’d both acknowledge that.  But we’ve come a long way thanks to Mercy.  Thanks to Grace.

Besides, he’s a pretty good cook.

I love your Daddy very much, and I would still choose him over Legolas.

I just wanted you to know.

With love,


  1. Wow...found your blog after you commented on my Five Minute Friday post (thanks for stopping by) and just read this post cuz you had me at Legolas. (I never could put a finger on why I thought Legolas was "hot" but...well...he just is!) I had to laugh because I could have written this entire post. Word for word. Maybe we are long lost twins. your post. Love the way you write and so glad you're checking out Five Minute Friday. I've been doing it for a few months and I love it!

    1. Thanks Rebekah! Legolas had me at Legolas .... ;) Yes, maybe we are long lost twins. Thanks for stopping by! Perhaps our paths will cross someday, here or There. :)

  2. Love this, and Legolas is pretty hot :) maybe I should tell my kids why I chose their father over him as Will Turner in Pirates of the Caribbean.

    1. Thanks, Lindsey! Hey, if you do, will you come back and post the link to that blog here so we can all enjoy it? :) I thank you! Oh, and I think I need to see Pirates of the Caribbean ... ;)
      Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Bahaha!!! I just read this for the first time, and I can totally see Evan and Andie's faces... You are priceless. Love you, sweet friend. :)


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